GAMES

Duck Tales: The Forgotten Game

Duck Tales: Crapshoot is a classic column by Richard Cobbett in which he gambled on unusual games and found out if they were excellent or poor.

Between the years 2010 and 2014, Richard Cobbett(opens in new tab) produced a column called Crapshoot in which he discussed the joys of playing dice games. This week, a quest for gold… and no, it’s not Duck Tales for the NES or a sophisticated remake of that game. The other one is here. Forgotten about.

The world is like a classic video game.
On this page, you’ll find Duck Tales.
Racecars, lasers, and airplanes are all examples of vehicles.
All of them. Elsewhere.
There is no mystery here.
Overestimated past.
Tales of the Ducks.
(Loud whoop.)”

A long time passed before classic arcade and platformers like Megaman found a home on the PC, and even then, they fell flat on their faces when they tried to cross over.

For many, Scrooge McDuck’s cane-turned pogo stick is what comes to mind when they think of Duck Tales.

You can’t compare this version of Duck Tales to this one, which was released on the Amiga and DOS but has since been largely forgotten for its terribleness. At the very least, the DOS version. A few pieces of dialogue were included in the Amiga version of the game, as well as better visuals, and a different version of the theme that wasn’t played on the PC speaker—the only musical device in history designed to answer the question “what would happen if robots could fart.” SoundBlaster became an inadvertent advertisement in every game that has used it.

In Dime Magazine, Scrooge McDuck and Flintheart Glomgold are vying for the title of “Duck of the Year,” with the prize going to the duck with the most money collected in a month. In Duck Tales, neither is going to do that by opening a factory to take advantage of a recently discovered gap in the toilet freshener market, but by traveling around the world to countries with loose laws, smuggling the stolen goods out of the country, and then dumping it into a massive Money Bin so that no one else gets to benefit from it.

Scrooge’s nephews Huey, Dewey, and Louie end up doing most of the work, in blatant breach of child labor rules, which doesn’t stop him from saying that he plans to win “Fair and Square.” Glomgold only needs to slip the cops a few thousand dollars if he wants to win this.

Because he’s a duck, of course.

Duck Tales: The Forgotten Game

Using a large pile of blood-drenched banknotes ripped from homeless ducks because threats are more effective when accompanied by props.

Scrooge might potentially be killed by a sniper.

Everything begins with a map, much like in the original NES game. The Quest for Gold, on the other hand, contains a lot more than five levels. However, they are all divided into four basic sorts, and none of them are really enjoyable. Scrooge McDuck and Launchpad have to fly Scrooge and Co. to their destination through an obstacle course of comic disasters, and often race Glomgold to the target. Glomgold can take the loot if he arrives first. In the absence of any opposition, it’s simply a matter of completing the journey unscathed in order to avoid having to spend time fixing the plane. The plane is on the tarmac. Singular. A second jet for Scrooge McDuck, the richest duck in the world, isn’t in the cards. For the record. At least not in terms of a financial understanding of risk and reward. Not only that but purchasing a plane was not so delicate that it occasionally slammed into clouds.

A fiery torch is used to search for diamonds in a cave while being pursued by an evil mummy, and platforming awfulness is a popular mode of play. There, the Beagle Boys drop anvils on their heads, roll boulders to trip them, and use the worst grappling hook in-game history to snag Scrooge’s three nephews as extra lives. When the grappling hook on a Duck Tales story catches its prey, it’s regarded as a sign of the end times, a sign that an astronomical alignment is about to begin that will bring calamity to the earth and lead all nations to quake in terror before being melted away by the gaze of Bal Harathamagog.

Also, the controls in the jungle levels are poor. Aside from that, they’ve blown it by failing to mention a key fact about ducks: they can swim. Humans, thankfully, have the ability to facepalm.

The other minigame involves photographing animals, so the more you don’t say about it, the better off you are.

Duck Tales: The Quest for Gameplay becomes wilder in the office, where there are two different methods to make money. The first is to invest in the stock market. Keep in mind that this is the tale of a duck who thinks he is being financially savvy by placing all of his money in a large money bin and labeling it with a giant dollar sign. Flubber and Hog and Duck Ice Cream are two companies that you can invest in with the cash you make from robbing Ali Baba’s Cave or the Whatsamatterhorn. Several publications have suggested that the only way to end this game is to acquire all the shares in Dime Magazine and demand that Scrooge be awarded Duck of the Year on the condition that the whole editorial staff is sacked. Nevertheless, you are unable to do so.

If this sounds like a strange way to make money in a game, well, it’s actually quite shrewd. In fact, it feels distinctly like Scrooge’s best approach would be to invest some of the money from his Money Bin and hope that Glomgold returns from treasure hunting with a stomach full of tapeworms, or possibly goes native someplace near China and ends his life as a Peking Duck. At the very least, it’s better than the alternative, which is delving into Scrooge’s money bin for a random chance of discovering a rare coin or a ticking off for wasting time money-swimming when there are entirely irrelevant ego-masturbation projects to be working on. After all, neither Scrooge nor anybody else has staked anything on the contest’s conclusion. He merely wants his photo in a magazine.

The closest thing we have here is a Bill Gates peeing on the poor game, where additional points are awarded for only passing on those who are on fire and scream for help.

Yes, it’s a significant step forward. Seven-league boots may be involved in this scenario. However, there is only one of each..

Or perhaps that’s what the game wants you to believe. Perhaps Scrooge is aware that Glomgold’s ultimate goal is Project ARMAGEDDON, and that obtaining the magazine cover will give him the publicity he needs to begin working on it. The most wealthy ducks and the most deranged duck scientists will be swayed by his downy evil and donate their resources to a massive laser grid whose sole goal is to penetrate the Earth’s surface. Once Glomgold pushes the button and the shaking begins, Satanic red and blood fall down on those who don’t believe in God’s existence. Bal Harathamagog, lord flayer of the elder gods, comes to his full glory with his final apostle by his side as the land splits and screams. So maybe Scrooge has been fighting to prevent that as part of a conflict so horrifying that he is willing to lose his own life and death, as well as his own financial security, only for the chance to prevent the world from coming to an end altogether.

Yes. If that’s the case, then everything makes sense. Everything must have a reason.

I guess I’d best go ahead and double-check it.

(checks)

Nah.

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